Untitled.

18?
18.

1. I wanted to be 16 forever.
For some people, 18 is the "grown-up" age, but I think mine was 16. It was a year of revelations and changes.

No, I didn't make any special achievement. I just had a rude awakening, I had a mental and emotional transposition. I knew I had to be 'someone'.

2. I am writing this for me, but it is to you. To anyone who would care to read. It is the most personal piece I've ever written so far. I have a story, and I will tell.

"Until the Lions have their own historians, the history of the hunt will always glorify the hunter" _Chinualumogu Achebe

3. I was born on a Saturday, 18 years ago(or almost) People tell me I look and act older than my age. Indeed, I've always felt older, mature, mentally, emotionally and even physically and not till another person told me I look exactly my age, did I think otherwise.

4. I started writing this, the morning of October 4. I've always had plans to write a story, but the plans were just plans, till I woke up, the morning of October 4.

 

You will have to fill so many gaps as you read, as it vague.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend, Oni Tomiwa, I told him how I always feel guilty writing, (or copying) real life experiences and modifying them into fiction, how I never seem to come up with a creative piece without drawing the inspiration from an event that already occurred. 

But he told me all writers draw inspiration from experiences, hence I should not feel guilty. 

"I told you I'm not the creative sort. I mostly prefer to derive anything I write from reality because sometimes reality is more interesting than fantasy. I just can't form stories.
Then I pick something I've seen or witnessed or experienced and I modify the details to create my own version."

"Maybe some people take it further up. But experiences inform our stories. When a story does not have a human connection, it is dead.
Even stories about animals must be informed from and by humanity
But it is a version that takes its source from life/the world and can still be traced back into the same.
It is a river running into itself."_Oni Tomiwa

This, is the basis of my October 4 inspiration. I felt why should I not just talk about 'me'?

5. Childhood. I've had a privileged upbringing. I don't know how many people know this already. But I am telling you all the same. If there is one keyword to sum up my life, it would be this. Privilege.

I am not rich, neither am I poor. I've had basic necessities. I am not spoilt, contrary to popular opinion, lol. All these are privileges I do not take for granted.

6. Relationships. When you hear the word 'relationship', the first thing that comes to your mind is something other than platonic friendship, right. Well, I'm going to disappoint you on this score.
I do not have a best friend. I don't think I've ever had one, no offence to those who think they've held/hold the position. No one can claim to know me fully, except perhaps a couple people. I've always been socially awkward, I do not get along well with people. I perfected the art of passive detachment. I'm not an introvert, I'm not an extrovert. I live.

7. Critism. We've all had our criticisms. I've been called proud, stubborn, unsettled. I've been body shamed. But recently, I try to see any criticism I receive as a checkpoint, to grow better. For someone like me with a weird aloofness, criticisms are skin deep.

8. Challenges. I believe experiences shape people a lot more than we imagine. But I definitely do not think experiences are enough excuses for failures.

Tell my story the way it is_
Don't sugarcoat its bile
Don't varnish its rust
Tell my pain, the way it is.
_Niyi Osundare

9. When I was 9, I developed hearing loss, the medical term being sensorineural hearing loss (Severe-Profound SNHL). 
A child's developmental process is reliant on several factors. One is genetics, another is the environment.
You practically develop your senses from what you've observed from other people. You learn to speak, by listening. 

At 9, I could not hear, I could not listen, I did not learn to speak. It was/is like a major part of my development stunted or stopped. This is why today, people tell me I talk like a baby. 

10. I was praying, asking God to "speak" through me, to use me. But God told me... no, he was silent. My mind went to 9, above. Before you learn to speak, you learn to listen. For God to speak through you, he must first speak to you, and you must listen. I wrote more on this, and I will probably share one day.

11. A constant source of discouragement for me has always been my hearing problem. This is one of the topics I'm most sensitive about. I've heard stuff like "Your problem is small, Tomiwa, there are others with deeper, bigger problems"

While this is true, it is important we realise that everyone has a breaking point, a stress limit, and if you have never been in a person's shoes, you have absolutely no idea how they feel. You can always imagine, but you definitely have no idea, and you have no right to belittle their pain. This right here, is my anger.

It is always better to keep your words soft and sweet, you might never know when you'd have to eat them_ Ola Rotimi

12. Achievements. When I joined Femi Tiamiyu's Leadership Development Hub in October, one of the basic tasks was to write your own obituary.
I did not write it, not for sentimental reasons. 

I am not even a sentimental person, I just felt I had nothing to write. The biggest achievement I would say I've had in my entire 18 years is having the courage to move on and get ahead despite limitations.

13. Interests. I am a reader, though recently, I've been too lazy to read, far too lazy. But books can never lose appeal to me. I'd love to be a book collector. It's an unending dream.
I write bits and pieces. I am enthusiastic about intelligence. I have low tolerance for dullness. Which is why my circle is made of some of the most intelligent people I know.
I am passionate about young people, teens.

"You don't need attention to write. All you need is passion, and an overwhelming desire to tell a story you generally care about" _Sefi Atta.

14. Religion. There was a time I was well on the way to Atheism. I questioned my beliefs. 

The downside of knowledge that you're always seeking for more, then you start to question abstract realities. I wrote a short article about Atheism on my blog, you should probably check it out.
Today I do not follow Philosophy or Legalism, I follow Christ.
Find your truth, follow it, have your peace.

God has spoken once,
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God
Psalms 62:11, NKJV

15. Gratitude. I am thankful for growth, for life, for people. In no particular order, Ajayi Oluwatomisin, Olubori Paul, Ogunbajo Joy, Rachael Adeoti, Oni Oluwatomiwa, Aderibigbe-Simeon Faith, Toluwalope Adegoke, Victor Olofinluyi.
Once again, privileges.
Ayokunnu Adedeji told me; "You should appreciate those who identify with you publicly"

16. Wishes? I have many. At the same time, I have none.

17. The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our suffering.
_Ben Okri.

17. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future .
Jeremiah 29:11, NIV.

18. Good luck, and God help the Child
-Toni Morrison